So now, a couple of days ago and today I scripted my way out of it... Yes it's crude, it's rough and it's super hacky. Corner-cases are just being taken care of as I scripted the shit, and that is just how it is going to be. I kind of like that things are being "hard-coded" like the games of olden days, such as Mario Bros. Where physics was non existent and therefore things like gravity and forces being applied to the objects and characters were written into the game the hard way.
I'm happy with the result, given the time it took to implement it.
Here have some gifs!
Jump boost thingy - - picking up items.